Q- My husband and I married young. Now that our children are getting older he seems to have taken on a whole new life of going out, playing music, and making new friends that I have never even met.
It’s true that neither one of us have to stay at home with the kids that often anymore, but he will sometimes come home late at night and it disrupts th
e household. I am beginning to feel left out, and wonder how far I should let this extra life go?
A- The catchphrase of the last decade: “40 is the new20” or “new 30” is kinda true in many ways. It is no longer the norm for adults to be all, you know, grown up all of the time. Maybe your husband is embracing this and living his life the way he wants it to be, but the thing is, it shouldn’t come at too high of a cost, i.e., losing time spent with you or causing emotional distance between you. Is he being out of line, or are you not ready for this new change?
How are you going to know what it is unless you join in on the good times? With a positive attitude and an open mind, go with him the next time he goes out.
If he gets all excited about it and happily introduces you to his new friends then be rest assured that you likely have nothing to worry about, and actually he may be on to something with this whole having fun business. But do set some boundaries that you can both agree on, on how often he goes out.
Meanwhile, discover what it is that you’d like to be doing now that you have a bit of freedom, and ask him to give that a go. If he is reluctant to agree with this arrangement or guards this new life as his own, then you clearly have a problem. He may be going through something in his own head that will require you joining in on his new scene to take time … or he could be doing some stuff that he does not want you to know about.
Either way, something is up. I’d suggest both separate, and couples counselling, to get to the bottom of it while agreeing to go with him some nights, but not all, in order to give him some space.
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